Why Single Moms by Choice Are Still Judged — And Why I Did It Anyway

For some reason, there’s still a stigma attached to women who choose to become single mothers by choice. It’s as if motherhood only earns society’s approval when it comes with a ring, a husband, or the promise of a “traditional” family. People don’t always say it out loud, but you can feel the judgment, the raised eyebrows, and the quiet disapproval. And sometimes, they are bold enough to say it out loud.

A well-known public figure once posted a video that included content of my daughter and me without my permission — and mocked me in the process. What followed was a flood of negative comments about single mothers by choice. Strangers felt entitled to weigh in on my worth as a parent, my character, and the life I chose for my child. That was when the stigma stopped being abstract and became very real.

It's okay if you’re unsure whether becoming a single mom by choice is right for you. It’s a big decision, and most women don’t arrive at it casually. If you’re here reading this, it’s likely because this question has been sitting with you — not just once, but over time — asking to be taken seriously. That’s why I want to talk about the taboo, the doubt, and the clarity that ultimately allowed me to move forward without letting other people’s opinions decide my life.

When I got honest with myself about what truly mattered, one thing was clear: my desire to be a mother far outweighed my desire to be a wife or to have a partner first. That realization is what ultimately led me to become Laydi’s mom as a single mom by choice, using a sperm donor.

Expectations, Timing, and the Decision to Trust Myself

I wasn’t oblivious to society’s expectations. We’re taught that the “right” order is marriage first, then children, and that anything outside of that structure is incomplete or irresponsible. I knew those narratives well, but I had to come back to what mattered most to me: becoming a mom.

Years before I ever tried to conceive, I froze my eggs. That step led me to learn about fertility timelines, IUI, IVF, and what was actually possible — not just what society assumes is possible. Understanding the science didn’t make the decision feel cold or clinical. It gave me confidence and control over my own future.

Even with that preparation, timing weighed heavily on me. Not just biologically, but emotionally. I wanted the energy to be present, engaged, and active in my child’s life. The idea of looking back one day and realizing I waited too long — that I let fear or social expectations make the decision for me — scared me far more than doing this on my own.

The Moment Everything Became Clear

Even when you know this is the right path for you, knowing when to actually start can be hard. But for me, everything became clear after one defining moment. 

One day, I was lying on my sofa, half-asleep after watching Netflix. I was in that space between awake and dreaming, aware of my surroundings but not fully present.

Then I heard it: the soft slapping of tiny hands and knees against the hardwood floor. It was so vivid. My hands were hanging off the sofa when I felt a gentle tug. I woke up instantly, my heart racing, and thought, Where’s my baby? Did I have a baby? When did I give birth?

It felt real — not like something I could brush off. It felt like she was there, like she was calling me. And in that moment, I understood: she was ready. That day changed everything.

To the Women Still Deciding — and the Question of “Selfishness”

If you’re considering this path, take the time to reflect — not on what others expect of you, but on what you truly want.

Ask yourself what scares you more: the judgment of others, or the possibility of missing out on motherhood altogether. Think about the life you want to look back on. Consider whether waiting is coming from intention or fear.

Stories like the one NPR recently shared show how common it has become for women to pause, reassess timelines, and make informed decisions about fertility, donors, and motherhood — even when it doesn’t follow the traditional order. Seeing that reflected in broader conversations can help reinforce that this choice isn’t impulsive or isolated. It’s thoughtful.

One of the most common accusations single mothers by choice face is that the decision is selfish. But there is nothing selfish about bringing a child into the world when you’re prepared — emotionally, financially, and mentally — to give them what they need. 

If we label single mothers by choice as selfish, what are we saying about parents who become single through divorce or death? Does that mean their parenting suddenly becomes less valid? That doesn't make any sense. 

People become single parents in many ways. The structure may change, but what defines a family doesn’t: love, stability, and intention.

Protecting Your Peace and Living Your Truth as a Single Mom by Choice

Not all criticism comes from cruelty — sometimes it comes from fear, misunderstanding, or outdated beliefs. But regardless of where it comes from, you’re allowed to set boundaries.

If someone consistently makes you feel small or ashamed for a decision that brings you clarity and peace, it’s worth reevaluating how much access they have to your life. The people who matter most are the ones willing to support you — even when your choices look different from theirs.

At the end of the day, confidence has to come from within. Your desire to be a mother has to be stronger than the fear of judgment.

For me, the dream of becoming a mom outweighed every stigma and expectation placed in front of me. I trusted myself. And I don’t regret that decision for a second.

You Are Not Alone

You wouldn’t be the first single mom. You won’t be the only one. And you definitely won’t be the last.

Love makes a family — not approval, not tradition, and not other people’s comfort with your choices.

This path is absolutely worth it. If you still have questions, I’m here to help. I offer 1-1 ‘Ask Me Anything’ sessions where we can discuss your goals, worries, and everything in between. From there, we can build a financial plan or even work together over six weeks to guide you through the most critical decisions. Whether it’s planning for what is ahead or figuring out how to navigate the process, you don’t have to do it alone.

This is your story to write, and I’m here to support you through it all.